There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
