Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
