Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
