Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The best revenge is premature balding
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
