You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
