I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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