my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
