Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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