My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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