We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
