We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
