do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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