Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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