from now on my penis is your penis
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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