i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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