if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize