For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
May the power of my ass compel you!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
