Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
