Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
