1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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