wrigley field is MILF paradise
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
