Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
