tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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