I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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