I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
