the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
