You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
