You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
