just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, beer. Big fan.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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