new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
