How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
