i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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