You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
