Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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