I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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