The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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