I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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