Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
