Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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