Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
