I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
