its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
