My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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