I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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