Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
