I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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