Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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