You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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