My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My vagina just recognized that song.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
