god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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