Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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