So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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