Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This baby is an asshole
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
