i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
